7.18.2006

Ms Steinem Called--She Said Lose Her Number

This morning, Nate got the baby dressed. For the first six months of Thalia's life, telling Nate to get the baby dressed was like saying, "get out the Redskins onesie." But now that she's outgrown it and the weather's too hot for the nylon Clinton Portis jersey, it's anyone's guess what she'll emerge in.

He selected very adorable royal blue printed tee we had just received as a gift and a yellow pair of terry shorts. Separately, each item is fantastic. But together? When he held her up for approval, I gritted my teeth and sucked air through them, whispering, "she looks like a boy."

It was the same tone I might have used to say "yeah, maybe letting her eat pennies isn't a good idea," or "I'm not so sure about letting our 12 year-old stoner neighbor babysit tomorrow night." And yet all I was talking about were her clothes.

It was visceral. It just slipped out.

"So? She's a girl."

"Yeah but..."

I had no good response.

"Okay, well you're not a girl," I said. "Does that mean you wore dresses?"

"Yep," says Nate, always one with the contrarian answer. "I did wear a dress."

"Not counting Halloween, smartass."

"I did once! Because,well Kurt Kobain did...so I thought it was cool...and..."

His sentence trailed off into a giggle because even for the master of arguments, this argument was absurd. But then, so was my own point. What was my own point? I didn't want anyone to see her wearing blue and yellow? Who, the doormen of our building? It wasn't like we were going anywhere in this heat.

What happened to me, I wondered. I was supposed to be this post-feminist progressive mommy who buys her daughter trains to ride on and books about cars. She was going to grow up and play sports. And dig for worms. And disdain boy bands. And yet here I am, whining about "boy colors" on my little girl.

I pulled a pair of pink gingham shorts from the dresser and waved them gingerly in Nate's direction, but he swatted them away. Yellow it was.

Even the pink shorts are on the perifery of Thalia's wardrobe. I have shied away from ruffles and bows and and certainly those "future supermodel" tees, because the way I see it, if you're going that route you might as well skip Music Together and sign her up for the Future Bulimics playgroup. Readers of Cool Mom Picks will not be surprised to learn that pastels and baby pinks are not our thing. Her best-worn shirt this winter was a brick-red dragon tattoo print thermal (well that, and President Poopyhead) that was often paired with a pair of bleached out jeans, so it's not as if we're grooming a little pageant girl here. But there's something about seeing her dressed like a girl girl that makes me happy inside. Floral sundresses. Flouncy skirts. Peasant shirts and mini crocheted espadrilles.

Perhaps I'm overcompensating for her lack of hair. Maybe it bothers me more than it should when strangers ask how old my little boy is. Or maybe I'm just more beholden to culturally-imposed gender roles than I would have thought, considering my grade-school Ms Magazine reading habit.

Or maybe it's a control issue. If she's anything like her mommy, Thalia will refuse to wear anything remotely feminine starting in about four years. "But if I wear dresses, I can't play with the boys," I told my mother in kindergarten, beginning a near decade of tomboy fashion. If Thalia follows suit, I have a very short window in which I can deck her out in the sweet little dresses I wish I could get away with myself. After that, her drawers will be stuffed with overalls and team shirts and denim jackets with soccer balls on them. Her closet will be lined with sneakers and her "dress shoes" will be the ones without the oil stains on the suede uppers. A skirt will never graze her hips, let alone (gasp) a dress.

At least until she hits puberty. By then, a genetic predisposition to childbearin' hips will point her towards the skirt section with due haste.


Look ma, no pink!


51 Comments:

Blogger metro mama said...

At least he can coordinate the outfit. When BP dresses Cakes, she emerges sporting pink plaid bottoms and a red striped top.

I'm guilty of dressing her as girlish as possible. She too, has no hair and I hate when people ask how old my little boy is.

7/18/06, 1:13 PM  
Blogger Vikki said...

I recently blogged about this very issue. I always wanted to raise my kids to be non-stereotypical in regard to gender and I've had to balance my wishes for them and their own personalities/styles. However, my daughter is just 16 months old (and also bald) and I can dress her any way I want. I'm a fairly androgynous person myself and dress her in that way most of the time. Still, this very morning, I paused when my partner dressed her in the red shirt with the little soccer ball on it and the navy sport shorts to match. It's hard to fight your own gender bias.

7/18/06, 1:16 PM  
Blogger karengreeners said...

my hubs dresses our wee gal in pretty crazy duds too, and none of them are girly. he thinks he has to counter-act my tendencies to paste on the pink. it's true, i often slather her in pastels tho' i said i wouldn't, and i should know better. we were out once when she was about 4 months old (and bald) and dressed in pink frills for chrissake, when the lady behind us in line asked how old 'he' was.
i guess that's why some parents do gross things like pierce their infant's ears. btw - she also has a wicked onesie that says 'this is what a feminist looks like'. she wears it with pink shorts.

7/18/06, 1:25 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

gaaaaaaaah! I've battled this issue so freakin' much, it hurts. When Bump was born, I declared a war on pink and dresses. And then everyone and their uncle sent me pink dresses. Since I'm frugal (a word that my MIL says with disdain) Bump wears more pink than I would like. But when I shop I keep getting drawn to these killer cute dresses and BLAHHHHH!, they tend to be pink. Oh, I give up.

Thalia is the cutest girl I've seen today. That smile is contagious.

7/18/06, 1:56 PM  
Blogger toyfoto said...

I have to say: Thalia looks very girl-like to me.

But I know from whence this angst comes. Annabel was pretty hairless until she was about 15 months old or so. Everyone always wondered how old HE was. It didn't bother me so much. We did put her in a lot of boy clothes (primarily because we're cheap and had handmedowns) so I couldn't really fault people for getting the gender wrong.

My biggest pet peeve about the man dressing the baby though was that ROUTINELY he'd put the clothes on backwards or inside out.

7/18/06, 1:57 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

If you had only been shopping with me on any of 1,000 trips to Gymboree, Carter's, and other baby clothing stores, you would have heard me complaining to the poor sales people how there is far too much pink in their girls clothing. Girls look just as good in blue, green, red, black, and my favorite, purple.

I declared war on pink before she was born. My mom nearly choked on a Jordan almond at my baby shower when I opened a gift containing some frilly pink dress from my bad-gift aunt, shot my mom the knowing look of "I hate this" and then tried my best to suppress my disgust and thank her with all politeness.

So now? Cordy does wear pink, occasionally. Her favorite hat is pink. And I do dress her girly, mainly to avoid having to correct every. damn. person we see who thinks she's a boy.

And although I never wear dresses, I love putting Cordy in dresses. She just wears them so well! But no frilly pink dresses here - bright, primary colors, simple lines and cute designs.

So I guess I'm saying, I feel your pain. But look hard and you can find dresses out there that aren't frilly and are in anything but pastels.

7/18/06, 2:06 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

PS - The giraffe shirt is ADORABLE!!

7/18/06, 2:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Eh, I don't know. Dress her how you want to dress her - not because you want her to conform or NOT conform, but because it makes you happy. You're right that she will soon start making her own choices (says the mother of the child who purposely wore mis-matched clothes this morning).

7/18/06, 2:11 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

ha! can SO relate. am card-carrying feminist who recently refused son's request to paint his room pink. he *really* wanted pink, but i just had this aversion to having to redo his room in 6 months when he goes into "GI Joe is my hero" mode, so virulent lime green it is. Besides. Pink's for girls...

Funny though--even though I thoroughly embrace son's love of polly pockets and barbie, i would be more ambivalent if he were a girl. Does not fit into my (fitful) gender-deprogramming agenda, I guess;-)

did you read this issue of Brain, Child? It's got a great essay on just this issue.

7/18/06, 2:27 PM  
Blogger Mayberry said...

I agree with Christina, that giraffe is damn cute (as is Thalia, of course)! I now have a boy and a girl, and it surprises me how reluctant I am to put him in her hand-me-downs. And how annoyed I am when people ask what "her" name is (because of his luscious curls). I'm with MGM on both counts--dress her in whatever you think looks cute, and do it now, because before too long you'll have NO control.

7/18/06, 2:29 PM  
Blogger Velma said...

I went through this with my daughter as well, as she was absolutely bald for most of her first two years. I started putting her in pinks and purples and yellows, and from there it kind of snowballed. (Kind of like how every single thing in my closet is black, because you know - it goes with everything.) And I felt awful about it, but I felt worse correcting people about her gender, or NOT correcting them and stewing.

Now that she is older, the fight isn't so much about the colors as it is about the appropriateness of clothing for situation. Football jersey, skort, and winter tights? 70 degrees outside? Think again, kiddo!

7/18/06, 2:40 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Aw, she's cute no matter what she wears! At least Nate can make her match. I have to store Gabe's clothes with the shirts folded around the shorts just so Daddy can get it right sometimes.

And just because you like the girly things doesn't mean you think she can't go play soccer. You know deep down she can do whatever she wants including run with the boys so to speak, so no amount of boyish looking clothes will make you believe she's less capable just because she's a girl. Your feminist sensibilities are still completely intact, regardless of what she wears.

7/18/06, 2:41 PM  
Blogger MamaChristy said...

It's funny that you write about this today because just yesterday I put my nearly two-year-old boy in a pretty dress. Just because I could. He has such pretty curls and I really wanted a girl while I was pregnant. Only because the clothes are so cute!

My husband is a little miffed and stiffly told me "He looks like a girl" when I showed him the photos.

7/18/06, 2:45 PM  
Blogger Kit said...

She looks great. I had a boy first and dressed him in second hand clothes mostly, including pink ones despite friends' protests. He looked cute and he was a baby - I don't think it has affected his image of himself. He still likes the colour pink but not to wear any more!

The girls wore his hand me downs but are now spoilt rotten by their Granny who buys them all the pink their hearts desire...and that is a lot of pink!

I was a tomboy myself and have one extremely feminine daughter and one with more tomboy potential - you may get lucky with frilly dresses lasting longer, but I'm sure she'll be choosing for herself soon.

7/18/06, 3:06 PM  
Blogger Blog Antagonist said...

LOL! First, she is so clearly a girl, and a gorgeous one at that. She has natural beauty.

Second, husband complained to me that our boys looked like girls when they were small. One outfit in particular, worn in a picture that I love, he thinks looks girly. It bugs him. I didn't dress them in pink or purple or anything. It was more a stylistic issue. Bonnets, apparently, are girly.

Third...I would give my eye teeth to buy frilly pink girly things. BUT...I suspect any girl child I might bear would also tend toward utilitarian attire. Thankfully, I have a neice who is an unabashed girly girl and upon whom I can heap pink beribboned garments without apology. :?)

7/18/06, 3:08 PM  
Blogger OhTheJoys said...

Thalia looks adorable.

7/18/06, 3:18 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

I think she looks adorable. But I feel the same way you do. I tend to buy girly clothes for my kids. And I don't know where it comes from. I think you should just enjoy it now, because it won't last.

7/18/06, 3:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Since Girlie decided to wear her hair short, everybody thinks that she is a boy. "What would the little guy like to eat?" the waiter asked. She wears very gender-neutral clothing for the most part and that dang snake around her neck. But she's SEVEN. She has girlish features and a high-pitched voice. People just never get it right and I'm happy to say I've finally quit caring. If she doesn't care, why should I? You could put Thalia in head to toe pink and somebody will still guess that she's a male because people are idiots. Best not to care.

7/18/06, 3:58 PM  
Blogger Sharon L. Holland said...

This is an issue that always makes me feel oddly exposed and vulnerable. As a kid, I was always mistaken for a boy. It even happened regularly as an adult until I grew my hair long. Other women complain about being called "ma'am," but it's much worse to regularly be called "sir." The same thing always happens to my mom, but she is not bothered by it. It bothered me a lot. I dress my daughters very girly, because I want to help them feel feminine someday, something I didn't have until I was an adult.

7/18/06, 4:09 PM  
Blogger Piece of Work said...

It's a litte opposite in my house: my husband is always pulling out the dresses and girly things while I'm more apt to put her in shorts and t-shirts, hand-me-downs from her brother. For me, it's two things: one, practicality. She trips on the dresses, and spills on EVERYTHING, so I don't want her to ruin the pretty dresses. Plus some of them require ironing so god knows I don't want her wearing them. Second, I don't really like all that girly girl stuff, because I am not girly girl at all, so my first instinct is just to go with shorts and tshirts.
But I will say that she looks pretty fcking cute in dresses.

7/18/06, 4:14 PM  
Blogger Kelly Wolfe said...

That is such a cute story. You are right, soon she will be picking out her own clothes, so now she is kind of like a dress up doll. And she's a girl dress up doll, so you are inclined to dress her in girl colors.

We had to borrow some purple sweatpants from my friend's little girl when we went to their house and had an impromptu pool play fest. Afterward he put on these pants, and I had to race him in the house before my husband got home and saw him in purple pants that had a little ladybug on them.

Lisa G.

7/18/06, 4:32 PM  
Blogger Virtualsprite said...

I had the opposite problem. My mother kept buying my son blue clothes... even girly clothes with ruffles, because if it was blue, it was for a boy. And since he had lots and lots of hair, everyone thought he was a girl. Especially if grandma dressed him.

People suck at guessing the gender of children under 10. Dress Thalia how you want. Just wait until she's older. That's a whole 'nother battle.

7/18/06, 4:48 PM  
Blogger Namito said...

I am pink aversive too.

And inevitably, it comes in gifts. Luckily from people who will rarely see the Impling.

Ultimately though, for the first year, it didn't matter WHAT she wore. Even wearing pink, I'd be asked how old my little boy was. Whatever.

Her favorite item of clothing so far is a little green flower belt that she likes wearing with her demin cutoff shorts. That and her bathing suit (not pink). I'm just going to try to keep dressing her in things I wouldn't mind wearing myself. If I was a kid, that is.

7/18/06, 5:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do not spend the money on the wooden trains. I will send you mine. My 8 year old boy LOVED them up until he turned 7 an discovered baseball and the diablo. My 4 year old girl would always rather play tea party, even though the trains are right in her face.

And don't give up on the dress thing. I was a serious tomboy growing up. Heck, My 13 year old sister taught me how to put on make-up when I was 21!

Several of my girls are throw backs to my mom. A true girly girl. At one point my oldest would only wear red dresses...

Hang in. She looks adorable.

7/18/06, 6:22 PM  
Blogger FFF said...

I say dress her however you want to for now. I dress my little boy in a lot of pale blue and yellow, with animals and clouds. No footballs and cars for me. He'll get into that stuff soon enough and I won't be able to control all the boyishness. But right now, I can keep him little in his Twinkle Twinkle Little Star pajamas! :)

If I had a girl, she would be taking karate lessons in a pale pink karate uniform! I am totally a feminist too, but I love pastels and pink and ruffles and lace and I know there would be a lot of that stuff in my baby's closet!

7/18/06, 6:31 PM  
Blogger nonlineargirl said...

We received a bunch of hand-me-downs from boys, so Ada often wears "boy" colors. She is like Thalia in the (lack of) hair department, and regularly gets mistaken for a boy. I never thought of it until today, but my response to people saying "what a cute little boy" is a bit like it was when people in Chicago mistook me for a man (you know that early 90s look, with the doc martins, too big pants and used men's overcoat in the winter, plus my then super-short hair). I was never annoyed, just amused by the look of discomfort when the person who'd just said "excuse me sir" realized I was a miss.

I think Ada looks adorable in skirts, but she's also pretty darn cute in stripes and overalls. Tough luck for other people if they guess wrong on her gender and are embarrassed when I say "thanks, she is cute, isn't she?"

7/18/06, 6:49 PM  
Blogger Jess Riley said...

Aw, she's still cute. For me, blue and yellow connote the Milwaukee Brewers baseball team. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. :)

You know, I'd love to put a pink dress on my dog, but J would never have it.

7/18/06, 7:01 PM  
Blogger Dawn said...

That's why I loved Hannah Andersson so very, very much. I could dress her in bright reds and oranges and not worry about the pink.

It is one of those "pop you in the face" issues, isn't it? I had it hit me when Emily was asked to be a model in New York. The inner girly girl in me about cartwheeled - "Sqeeee! My baby is pretty enough to be a model - By extension I am validated as pretty!" Then I was horrified - HORRIFIED at my reaction to this.

7/18/06, 7:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I was pregnant, I told everyone that would listen that I did not want Becca to wear pink. We received a lot of cool outfits of a magnitude of colours. Now my sweet daughter begs to wear dresses so she can be a princess....*sigh* at least her favorite toy is still her fire truck!

7/18/06, 7:44 PM  
Blogger scarbie doll said...

Too many comments to read, so I hope I say something that no one has said yet. I am the feminist mother of a son, with a sensitive, pink tie-wearing, in-touch-with-his-feminine-side husband.

We painted the room gender neutral yellow with sage green as the secondary colour. Awesome. We made paintings that were in primary colours but were not too "boy." We swore that he would never wear anything with cars and trucks on them.

And suddenly all he sees are cars and trucks and buses and street cars. If it has wheels, he's in heaven. But we did not encourage this. How the hell did that happen? You sure you don't want to play with your Dora doll little dude?

"Tru-u-h-k!" he exclaims with delight. So I guess we'll leave it to biology then, because clearly, I don't have a say.

7/18/06, 11:26 PM  
Blogger Overwhelmed! said...

Oh, I think she looks very cute in that outfit. It took my husband a while, but now he finally dresses Snuggle Bug quite nicely...usually in matching pieces of clothing. :)

7/19/06, 1:01 AM  
Blogger BabyonBored said...

She's a cutie! I had the same problem with my daughter. She had short hair and wore a lot of green and people always thought she was a boy. But I never did like those dresses or pink outfits. Now especially she doesn't wear dresses because she falls a lot and scrapes her knees so she needs to wear pants. I do put her in pink though at this point so people know she's a girl. But she's also got a head of hair so you can tell. Anyhoo, glad to be reading your blog again. A week away can seem like a lifetime!

7/19/06, 1:07 AM  
Blogger ms blue said...

We could be fully deck out our daughter in pink ruffles with bows glued on to her almost hair free head and we'd still get strangers asking about our son. It even drives my husband crazy.

7/19/06, 2:02 AM  
Blogger Mahlers On Safari said...

Well... I think she looks fabulous! Especially the shirt. Good taste, Nate!

BTW... you only have another year before Thalia will be deciding what to wear on her own. In my house it is pink, pink, pink. The more flowers and ruffles the better. It is horrifying! To compensate, Jaden likes to wear barrettes. But it is not easy to explain to a 2.5 year-old that barrettes are special and can only be wornin the house when his sister wears them all around town.

Life is just unfair.

7/19/06, 5:39 AM  
Blogger K. said...

When my husband dresses Bean I usually don't like the choices he makes either. It's just always some combination that I never would have put together myself. But I never say a word, because part of me thinks it's just adorable to see him dressing his son. And the other part of me knows that it really doesn't matter one bit what the child is wearing anyway.

7/19/06, 7:04 AM  
Blogger K. said...

Oh, and by the way... even when my son is dressed in blue or has footballs all over his shirt, people still mistake him for a girl.

7/19/06, 7:07 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

She is ADORABLE!!!!

I have to lay clothes out for Grace every morning before I leave for the office. The Hubby just doesnt trust himself to pick out appropriate clothes. Maybe that is because I made a snide comment when I picked her up on day and she was wearing pink plaid short, purple sneakers, and a red tank top. Yea....she looked like a rainbow!!! :)

7/19/06, 8:09 AM  
Blogger Pendullum said...

She looks so cute...
as long as outfit is clean...
That's a big plus...

Your daughter looks like Farrah Fawcett in the hair department compared with my kid at that age...
She was bald and with a mullet 'til the age of 2 and a half..(She made up with it for having incredible eyelashes and fantastic eyebrows...)

By 2 my daughter was so particular when it came to her clothes... She would not wear anything unless it was a dress... That phase lasted until she was 6 and then it just changed...

7/19/06, 9:56 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

BTW---GO SKINS!!! If you need new Skins outfits for your little Redskinette---let me know. I will being the Redskins attire shopping VERY soon for my entire family! Since we are in NoVA, its a breeze to get the stuff!

7/19/06, 10:10 AM  
Blogger Stacy said...

She looks cute no matter what, pink, green or mustard yellow!

7/19/06, 10:58 AM  
Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said...

The war on pink wages on in my house as well. I tried not to stuff my daughter's closet full of pink but its hard not to because everything is so damn cute.

Speaking of cute... How do you get anything done in your house when there is that much cuteness around? Thalia is a doll, even in blue.

7/19/06, 12:46 PM  
Blogger pixie sticks said...

I recently bought my one year old BOY and orange stripped shirt just to be told upon returning home that it's "peach, not orange", and I gotta say, I'm don't think I'm going to be able to bring myself to put it on him. Can't believe I care, but I do. gaaaah! Oh well, our small humans (boys) wear a lot of red too, so how bad can I be??

7/19/06, 2:04 PM  
Blogger pixie sticks said...

ps: LOVE the Livie and Luca shoes on Cool Mom Picks. That's you, right? Thanks for the tip. I'm definitely getting a pair for Buddha, something not blue!! hahaha.

7/19/06, 2:10 PM  
Blogger Catherine said...

Not too long ago I saw an interview with Gloria on "Sunday Morning." Her digs were suprisingly feminine!

7/19/06, 2:11 PM  
Blogger Perstephone said...

Yay, President Poopyhead! Hugo has that shirt in brown.

Feminism or not, I think it is completely normal for you to want your child to be identified correctly. Any question asked or incorrect comment made over and over again becomes annoying, so maybe it goes beyond the girlie thing. I know when we go out people ALWAYS comment on what a lean guy we have. ANNNOYING! Or, maybe you really do just want to see your daughter frilly. Either way is ok. Really. And I promise we won't kick you out of the feminism club!

7/19/06, 3:45 PM  
Blogger the mystic said...

I don't think you can go wrong with that face!

It's good for my relationship with my mother that I only have boys. She's a major girly-girl shopper and I warned her during each pregnancy, no daughter of mine will be wearing tights, ruffles or anything that isn't 100% cotton and comfortable (I didn't outlaw pink!), until she was old enough to request them on her own.

My husband is relatively modern and he was really sensitive to the boys being dressed "girly" in any way. I don't know where it comes from but I don't think it makes you a barbaric boob or anything.

7/19/06, 5:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kaitlyn has a wide variety of colors in her wardrobe, thanks largely in part to Dawn sending me all those bright Hanna Andersson hand-me-downs. The only thing Chris won't let me do is put those ruffled headbands on her. When the boys were babies, I did stick to the rompers with soccer balls on the front and t-shirts with fire trucks. It will be interesting to see what clothing choices they make as they get older.

7/19/06, 10:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thalia looks beautiful. Boy clothes and all. When my boys were babies and they would be all decked out in blue, people would ask me about how old "she" was. Didn't they see the blue, I don't get people.

When I first read that Nate paired a blue shirt with yellow shorts, I thought, gosh he's good. I must be the mother of boys because I had to read on to see what the big deal was. I get it now.

7/20/06, 6:19 AM  
Blogger bernalgirl said...

I hear ya. I declared war on pink before MZ was born but damned if she doesn't look great in pink. Me? I look vaguely yellow-green in most pastels. She? Looks decidedly green in the colors I love. So pink it is.

Add to that, it turns out I adore ruffles. On her. Little ruffles on hems, lettuce-edged sleeves (I had no idea what lettuce-edged meant pre-MZ), a florish of trim at the collar or sleeve and I'm there. And now that she can walk, break out the dresses! Love those, too.

I'm with you on the Future Supermodel stuff, and no Princess stuff, either. But despite myself MZ looks pretty girly-girl most of the time. And I'm still surprised.

7/20/06, 5:41 PM  
Blogger bernalgirl said...

And I'd like to mention, since this is my first comment here, that Thalia is absolutely beautiful. And that she looks great in blue.

7/20/06, 5:44 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

I love blue. I insist on blue, even though it means that she gets mistaken for a boy. Which she does anyway, even in pink skirts.

In any case, I'm more concerned that she not go out looking like Doug Henning (stripes and brights), which is a risk, always, because in eschewing pale pink we end up with hot pink and orange and the like. The other risk is Baby Goth, which, oddly, bothers me less.

7/20/06, 10:43 PM  

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